“We evaluated a number of promising alternatives that we selected and ranked based on the how many bullet points they had on their websites, how often they’d appear on the front page of Hacker News, and a spreadsheet of important language characteristics (performance, efficiency, community, ease-of-use) that we had people in the office fill out.”
Every engineering blog rewrite post, with the nouns swapped for variables. They disable the garbage collector, blame the language, and announce that bugs and maintenance cost are no longer metrics they track. It’s parody. It also reads like half the posts it’s mocking.