“I expected Apple would send me a small box of screwdrivers, spudgers, and pliers; I own a mini iPhone, after all.”
Self Service Repair means two Pelican cases on your porch, a $49 rental fee and a $1,200 credit card hold. The rental alone wipes out the credit for returning the old battery. Apple fought right to repair for years and this is the surrender. It is malicious compliance you can weigh on a bathroom scale.